FESTIVAL SURVIVAL GUIDE

By Ice Cold Astro (bbc.co.uk/dna/collective/A2764301)

Etiquette

Parents: if you’re a parent, sending your young ‘un off to their first festival, then tell them that you trust them, and you hope they have a brilliant time. This isn’t meant patronisingly - it's a great psychological strategy to get them to very subtly consider what they do. Sneaky.

Possessions: things do go missing - by our own stupidity or theft. Take nothing you can’t afford to lose, or rather, expect to lose everything you take. If you don’t want to lose it, leave it at home.

Respect: take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints. Clear up your rubbish, smile at people, share your ciggies (if you smoke), talk to the people camping near you, remember that people need to sleep even if you don’t. If someone’s in distress, help them. Respect yourself, respect your neighbours, respect the environment.

Crowd surfing: it annoys people, you lose your place in the crowd, you invariably end the journey with less stuff than when you set off (possibly even your shoes), and you can get hurt. Yes, it’s fun. But getting an elbow in the head and someone’s Converse in your eye isn’t. Oh, and, the more crowd surfers there are, the more security need to be hired for crowd control. How much do you want to pay for your ticket next year?

Food

Some people prefer not to take any food to a festival, as it fills up space in your bag. If your budget doesn't stretch to eating from food stalls for the whole festival, then take the following foods - these are chosen to be nutritious (over a 4-day period), filling and easy to carry. I would recommend that you take some food even if your budget's fine, as it's great to have emergency rations in the tent when you can't be arsed to trek to a food stall (late at night, if it's raining and you're taking cover)

water: absolutely essential. Take at least one bottle of water with you. You must always have water in the tent, even if you don’t carry any around with you. I recommend a litre bottle, and a half litre or 330ml bottle of water. The litre bottle's for the tent, the small one to carry around. There are plenty places to top up water on campsites, which you should do before you go to bed, as queues will be long in the morning. Always drink some water before you go to sleep, as tents and a day drinking are fantastic at dehydrating you.

dry stodgy foods: fruit cake, bread, supermarket-brand cup cakes. All of these will get squashed; that's fine, it just means less chewing.

dried fruit and nuts: excellent for energy, vitamins, minerals, proteins, some fibre. Don't take bananas - they are great, but they will turn to mush in your backpack. If you want a banana, buy one from a fruit stall at the festival, or better yet, buy a banana crêpe. Yum. If you take fresh fruit, make it apples; they're hard, clean the teeth a bit, freshen up the mouth and contain lots of water.

Pringles (or other tube-based crisps): stodgy starch that will help slow your digestion, so you don't have to go for a poo too often. The tube will ensure they don't get squashed. Afterward, you can use the tube to store things in for security.

biscuits: excellent stuff. More stodge, more sugar. Great munchies food.

cheese: just don't. You'll have a sweaty lump of polymerised animal fat by the time you get to the festival site.

meats: you will get food poisoning if you take any kind of meat product with you (although possibly cured, highly preserved meatstuffs like Pepperami might survive).

booze: take vodka, in a plastic water bottle (it's lighter and safer than a glass bottle, and will have more chance of getting past the security). Better to take something safe, from a reliable source, than buy some dodgy homebrew inside, and what's more, spend £3 per pint.

Multi-vitamin and minerals: optional really, as you’re only away for a few days. However, it’s worth taking a handful, especially if you miss meals. Eat with breakfast to slow the passage of the pill in the body, so you can extract more from it.

chewing gum, sugar free: good mouth freshening. You can use them as chewable toothbrushes, use two per 'brush'. Chew with water for a few minutes and spit out, into a bin or bin bag.

Clothes

Festivals are not fashion shows. The most important thing your clothes do at a festival is protect you against the elements: wind, sun, rain, cold, the ground. Only once you’ve got the essentials sorted, should you consider whether those angel wings are a good idea or not.

a hat: sunstroke is horrible, and very easy to get. You must take a hat. You must wear it if it’s sunny. N.B: Jester’s hats: just don’t, OK? You will look like a complete wanker. The only thing Jester’s hats are good for is marking you out to the Fashion Police’s sniper squadron. JUST DON’T.

jacket: take one that's good for light rain and evenings. If it pisses down, wear bin bags over the clothes, but under the jacket. Heavy jackets are useless - they're heavy!, and once you start dancing you overheat – and then you’ll have a heavy coat to carry.

trainers: take shitty old ones, that you don’t mind falling to bits or getting nicked.

boots: waterproof boots are important, although for space and weight reasons, you might want to give them a miss. When it’s raining – or if it’s been raining – then decent boots will keep your feet warm and dry. In turn, that will keep your mood up and torso warmer. Expect your boots to get nicked.

socks: take more spare socks than you need. Again, old shitty socks ready for the bin are best. With your boots or trainers, you’ll get warm dry feet when it's raining, and something to change into if you get wet feet. Also, if you can’t shower, fresh underclothes (including pants!) really affect your mood for the better. A pair of good, thick wool, socks are great if you can afford them.

tops: one long-sleeved top that you can wrap around your waist. When it gets chilly at 2/4/6/8am when you stop dancing, you'll need it.

general: being warm and dry, in the tent and out is absolutely essential. Imagine waking up and having to put on a cold, wet jumper, soaking socks, and damp jeans. Believe me, it’s NOT NICE. On this note, if your clothes do get damp, and you really need to dry them, put them in your sleeping bag, around your belly. When you wake up, they’ll be warm and almost dry.

optional: I use one of those 'invisible' slim/flat money pouches that strap around the waist, and sit under clothing. Good way of keeping money hidden, and dry. It's the most secure place on your body. They're available from camping shops.

Miscellaneous items

When you’re at a festival, you’re not just having lots of musical fun, but also camping (unless you stay in a B’n’B, in which case you’re a festi-traitor). That means you have to run your own little house on the prairie for a few days. The following items are pretty much invaluable; you’ll have to take my word for it as they have more uses than I can give examples.

tape: gaffer tape is best, although normal sticky tape will do if you can’t find any. This will combine with string, bin bags and all sorts of other things to make your life easier.

string: take a roll if you can, otherwise, measure off at least 5m (about 15ft). You can use this if your laces snap, if your guy ropes go missing, to hold things down if it gets windy, all sorts.

talc: a small amount of talc, rubbed onto freshly washed hands and feet helps dry them.

bin bags: incredibly useful. You must take care of your rubbish, always – do you want to camp in a garbage heap? No, and neither does anyone else. You should pack your clothes, dirty and clean, in them, keeping them separated. Also pack food and other items here in them. They're also lifesavers if it rains - strap them round your shoes, make a poncho of a bag and wear it under your jacket, put wet clothes in them, plug holes in tents, wrap your sleeping bag in them, the list goes on. Five is the minimum amount to take, a roll of bin bags made from recycled materials is best.

toilet rolls: you want to wipe your bum, don’t you?! I usually take a supermarket-own brand, 2 rolls should do you. When I'm away from the tent, and don't want a bag, I put a rolled up wad of loo paper in a pocket. Even if I'm, er, emptied for the day, there's always someone needs some. Toilet paper is good for cleaning up spills in the tent, or wiping hands on.

wet wipes / medicated moist tissues: brilliant for a quick wash in the morning. If you’re not showering, then clean your essentials: inner thigh area, front and back (to be polite), armpits, face and finally hands. Use a bit of talc after, if you’ve taken some.

medical kit: nothing too complicated, just enough for small accidents. Plasters, paracetomol (NOT aspirin - if you’re sharing these, you have to consider other people's allergies). Nail scissors (for nail cleaning and string cutting). Condoms. Tampons and liners for women - even if it's outside your usual week, take them; your Pill, too, if you do. Toothbrush and toothpaste - there's nothing like cleaning your teeth in the morning to make up for not having a shower; buy two of those really cheap, crappy toothbrushes, and throw them away afterward.

tent pegs: take more than your need.

a lighter and a packet of king size rizlas: I'm not encouraging you to smoke, but having these is a great way of meeting people.

optional: a small torch, with spare batteries. Navigating camp sites in the dark is lethal - guy ropes and tent pegs everywhere!

kitchen equipment: consider taking a knife, spoon and fork, along with a plastic bowl/plate and cup. You’ll see many people with gas stoves. They need care and attention, and introduce a danger element – it’s not uncommon for tents to go up in flames when pissed revellers try to cook their noodles inside their tents. Consider carefully.

sleeping equipment: some people like to take ear plugs, a night mask and an inflatable travel pillow to help them sleep. Others take booze and drugs. Your choice. A good night's sleep helps you dance longer the next day.

more sun equipment: the Aussies have a great saying, which I'm about to mess up: Slip, Slap, Slop. Slip on a t-shirt, slap on a hat, slop on some sunscreen. And lip balm. Sore lips don't make for good toking.

Camping

Tent Town: If you’re camping with your mates, you might want to consider taking a large flag along, to identify your campsite. DON’T put a barrier or rope around your tents – it’s very very annoying, very anti-social, makes it harder to negotiate the campsite, and closes off space that other people can use to camp in. It’s their festival as much as it is yours.

Talk to your neighbours: Share a beer, donate a carton of juice, offer your biccies, roll ‘em a small spliff if they haven’t got any. Scratch their back, and they’ll challenge people who look like they’re nicking your boots.

Tent and Sleeping Bag: check them out before you go! Is there a hole in your tent? Have you got enough tent pegs? Did you pack a hammer or mallet to put the pegs into the ground? Have you got all the poles you need? A flysheet? A ground sheet?

Camping location: water runs downhill and collects at the bottom. Where do you want to be camped? Paths are good for navigation, but also close to drunk people falling around. Toilets smell and see lots of traffic. Water pipes generate boggy ground even if it doesn’t rain. Your camping space is borrowed from the landowner, it’s not yours. Don’t get pettily territorial.

Toilets

Take your own poo paper: ALWAYS wash your hands after you’ve been, even if it was just for a wee; it’s bad enough sharing a toilet with 100000 people, but you can reduce your exposure to E.Coli (and therefore more time in the toilet) by having clean, wet-wiped hands.

Be considerate: Guys: remember that the toilet seat has to be used not just by women, but by you when you want to drop the kids off at the pool. Lift it up when you tinkle. Wipe it down afterward with spare toilet paper, if you missed.

Don’t piss in the rivers.

Security

Mobile phone: turn all the settings down. Low contrast, silent, no vibrate, off whilst sleeping or with all your friends (saves the battery). During the day wrap it up inside an old sock and keep it in a deeeeep / zipped pocket and it should make it through the weekend intact. Remember that the mobile networks melt down at festivals. NEVER expect your text message to get through. If you arrange to meet someone at a certain time, then have the common courtesy to turn up. Just because you have a mobile phone, doesn’t mean you can screw around with other people’s time at the festival.

Tent: Take a padlock for your tent zip. OK, so a determined thief will just slash your tent, but it will deter petty theft.

Crowds: some people don’t know they suffer from claustrophobia until they’re stuck near the front of a 50000 strong crowd, all pushing toward the stage behind them. It can be really really scary for those people (or if you’re very stoned or tripping). Be considerate to them. Better to see your favourite band 30m further back, than watch your friend go down underneath a crowd’s feet, crushed to death. It happens too often.

Valuables: why have you taken them? If they get nicked, don’t moan.

Money: keep it with you, split it up into various amounts, secreted around your body, in safe places. Back pockets are useless. Shallow pockets, especially where you’ve got your lighter / skins / festival guide, are also rubbish. Bound in a small plastic bag, in the toe of your shoe is good. Consider the waist pouch mentioned above.